I have spoken about my little anxiety monster locked behind a fence, chained and living in its “doghouse.” Depending on when it moves is how high my anxiety is.
What if it’s really protecting me, warning me, but doesn’t know how?
Is the anxiety monster really me – part of me (which I’ve known but haven’t thought of this way) and this fenced in secure place is my “home.” My safe zone.
Need to relook and think.
How I allow myself to be treated is a reflection
of how I believe
I should be treated
Allow – mirror
Permission – mirror – belief
All me – why still angry – forgive myself for holding on
Releasing Others. Differs from letting go. Opening windows, doors, released – freed from them.
Is it worth fighting for?
…depth of our worth.
Believing the positive
- What do I believe about myself
- How do I demonstrate this belief
- What do I remember being told about myself
- How does my behaviour support what I have been told.
Releasing others. Differs from letting go. Opening windows, doors, released – freed from them. Is it worth fighting for?
Based on Until Today’s May 11
There will be days you read or hear something that hits and fits “Living out loud.” Those words hit. While the phrase maybe free to use the message behind came from another. And it hit.
I have no clue if anything I’m doing matters to anyone out there, here, but it’s me. This “meditation” of mine is something I’ve been doing for decades. I’ll say it started with my poetry writing as a teen – and just how many of us wrote teen poetry?
That was us calling out to ourselves, maybe even the universe.
“Living out loud.”
I’m taking the risk and writing. Today it feels non-scary. Tomorrow I might want to run and hide again. Today – here I am.
…how will I be remembered? Will I be remembered?
Inspired by: Until Today’s May 10th reading by Iyanla Vanzant
The thing about thinking on this is that no matter what I do, everyone will remember me differently. I’m the author of my own life but I cannot bring its “readers” to my same conclusion or to someone else’s belief in me.
Neither will I remember others the same as their family and friends.
Our experiences are our own.
I don’t know how people will remember me, but when it’s time for this, I want it known I’ve done all I could do at each point of my life. I want to acknowledge my screw-ups, my mistakes, my surprises, my accomplishment, and all those moments I surpassed myself whether anyone knew it or not.
The idea for this new venture – sharing – hit me May 9, 2017. Is it enough for me to be the only one aware of what is changing inside me? Of the thoughts that have reshaped me, have slapped me back to reality. The first answer is, should be, yes.
But, why not use what I have and put it out to the universe. Not for ego – the whole idea is frankly freaking me out.
So, why? To discover I’m not alone, to share you’re not alone.
I don’t have a clear answer. I do believe in positive thinking. I have learned to trust my gut. I believe what we send to the universe – some will call God or prayer – can set life into motion.
This is another way to send those thoughts out for me. Another place to talk. Another risk of exposing parts of me I have kept locked away due to my own fear.
Wait a second – my own fear (retyping this I think – my owned fear). See, this is how my mind works. One thought leads me to paths and wake-up words I never really anticipated. I write with no idea what I want to say.
Yes, I have kept myself locked away out of fear. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being judged; being different; just being afraid and unsure.
I’ve opened more over the last two decades, but I know I’ve still held back. So, maybe it’s time I open a few more personal windows.
Don’t ask how this next thought came, maybe it’s also time to figure out why some life lessons keep repeating – what have I not recognized yet, Not changed or maybe haven’t accepted.
My thoughts do wander, don’t they.
Who knows, I have no idea where I’m headed but I’m looking forward to it all – finally.